Delusions of Grandeur

Somehow, before Saturday night I couldn’t see that I had overstepped my bounds. When did this become MY OCCUPATION?

I was so worried about the people sleeping in 28 degree weather that my common sense flew right out my ears. As it left, it plugged my ears so I couldn’t hear any reservations about the brilliance of my plan.

For days everyone was talking about how cold it was just to be at the GA for a couple hours. And most of us then rushed to our heated homes and comfy beds. Some regular campers had started crashing on people’s couches. I was afraid for the health and safety of the people who were staying. I MUST DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS! That thought completely took hold of me. I could think of nothing else. I had to do something and I had to do it NOW. I was convinced that it was the right thing to do and of course everyone else would see the truth of that.

Saturday night’s GA disabused me of my delusions of grandeur. I immediately began to feel defensive. Then I started worrying that my bad behavior was going to be horrible for the occupation, things might just come crashing down. Oops, I guess all my delusions of grandeur were not quite gone. I really am not so important that my actions will destroy a whole movement.

I was so impressed with DSM’s setup. I posted a request for the donations of easy-ups and tarps. None came. I started looking into it and realized how expensive the easy-ups are. An occupier who has done carpentry work suggested it would be better and cheaper to build a wooden frame, cover it with tarps, insulate with something, and more tarps on the inside. BRILLIANT. Gotta do it. Gotta do it. Gotta do it now.

We started calling around to see if we could get some wood donated, no luck. Gotta get it done, people will freeze. Screw it, I’ll pay my bills later. Gotta get people warm. I’ll use my own money and of course the GA will vote to reimburse me. Go, go, go!

We ended up not getting it up in time for that cold cold night. But building went forward anyway. People were not impressed. Well they were impressed with the structure, but not with the unilateral decision I made in a lateral movement. And they were right. So right.

I woke up this morning feeling horrible. I felt that if I just made decisions on my own and didn’t respect the process how could I expect others to. That’s not the movement I signed up for. And I’m the one who made this huge mistake. I had visions of myself standing up at GA, saying I wouldn’t accept reimbursement. I did wrong and I should pay for it. But how will I pay my bills?

Luckily a friend talked me down and made me realize I didn’t have to publicly flog myself in some grand gesture of contrition. More delusions of grandeur.

So, here I am, saying I’m sorry. I’m very sorry. I now realize I abused the process. This is definitely been a learning experience for me. And THANK YOU to all the occupiers and supporters for being kind to me even after I made such a blunder.

Part of the reason I’m telling you all this is so that you feel free to sit on me if I start thinking I’m all that. Please remind me I’m inclined to delusions of grandeur.